sWeeT LoNeRss

All the I should have's...

2011-12-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever feel like the part that you played in something were just not enough?

When it was long gone all you could think of is just that I should have's?

Especially when it comes to defending our Lord God Jesus Christ.

I should have's....

When you were defending him were you using your own understanding?

Or did the holy spirit helps you with it?

Exercise your faith.

There should be no more regrets in your life...

A reminder for me and all of us...

So that the next time you were to stand up against so many people and defend the Lord...

you will not think about it again and said "I should have..."

that you should think back about it and said "I have done..."

That the Lord gave you enough courage to stand up for Him.

Enough wisdom to speak out for Him.

Matthew 10:33
But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

You know you had done your part.

Even when it comes to just stand up and said loudly and proudly
"I am a Christian."

and speak up for Him.

and look back and feeling His hands of grace embracing you in a hug.

hearing His voice saying: "well done my child."

That, is true satisfaction of life. :)

It's not fair!

2011-09-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it never was fair from the beginning..

When you have been committed to your boyfriend and somehow or other they have been "playing" behind your back.

When someone else received acknowledgement for the things that you worked so hard for.

When everyone seems to get the good part of the play and you get none, but deep down you know that you can do the things others do as well.

When someone hates you for having a romantic relationship with a guy while she herself is flinging flowers around herself as she walked beside the guy she love everyday.

When the person you thought will stand up for you because you have done so for them many times in the past turned away that you will feel alone.

So, get it?

It's not fair.

Life is never fair.

You will always get injustice everywhere you go.

Heck, that may be the thing that draw you away from the Creator.

especially if the injustice is done by people from Christian community.

And it dawned upon me some few minutes ago, that yeah even Christians make mistakes.

Without realizing it, they have done injustice to their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and never even realize that they have done serious damage to them mentally.

If that happens to you, well, just remember this. Humans are not perfect, and never will be.

That is why putting your hopes up towards humans will only give you heartbreak and shame.

The best thing is to put your hopes up towards the Lord and be patient.

Sometimes thing may be slow, but God do things in His own time.

If you are the latter, the one who are doing injustice to others, because well, maybe you think that you are better off than the others and are going in a fast steady pace towards what you think are success.

Well, hold your horses.

Because you have lost sight of the people around you.

And without realizing it, you have hurt them so much mentally. So stop, and think about yourself for awhile.

But don't be deceived, you can both of the person at the same time. It's just the matter of who you are with.

Galatians 6:7
you reap what you sow.

:)

familiar with that?

It's not fair.

Life never is fair. Never was fair either.

But God is just.

when the day comes...

He will set everything in its right place once more.

Just don't lose sight on him.. :)

God bless you.

Happy Valentine's Day... :3

2011-02-13T17:06:00.000-08:00

Ah.. Valentine... :)love is in the air.. love, love, love..

On this lovely day, we can see many people especially youngsters being together celebrating this wonderful day of love.

But hey, don't forget the One and only who gave us the greatest unconditional love of all.. :D

Yes, the One that has loved us so much that He took the time to create us in His unique way.. That no one is the same as the other..

The One that loved us so much that He cares to listen to our every need.. our every cry for help.. even the tiniest bit of it He listens...

The One that loved us so much that He cares to fulfill our every needs... taking the time to make sure that everything we asked are given to us at the right time..

The One who take the time to give us joy just to see us smile and give thanks..

The One who took the time to paint the sky blue, releasing the birds to sing for us and the gentle breeze to color our life..

The One who knows us more than other people may have known us...

The One who took time to write a book of love letters in hope that we will always read it and be reminded of His love so great..

The One who love us enough to send His one and only begotten Son..

to serve us...

to die for us..

There has been no greater love than this..

Thank you Jesus...
You never leave us..
I accept Your love in my life..

Thank you Jesus..
For everything that You gave to me..
for every person You place in my life..
for every breath I take in the morning..
for every circumstances that I face You were always there..

on this lovely day that You have given to us..
I would want to give You my love..
my heart..
for I know that You would always take care of my heart and will NEVER disappoint me.. :)

Jesus, I love You~
Happy valentine's day... :)
for You are my love.. :)

God is good, all the time~ :)

2011-02-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking.....
God is always so good... :D
He never fails to help me... :D
and He always answers me~ :D
whether wait, no, and yes, He still answers me... :D

He gave me everything at the RIGHT TIME... :D
and NEVER fails to correct me when I'm wrong..

He saw me through when others can't...
and comforts when I am sad...

He loves me for who I am...
for He created me the way he likes
flaws and all..

He listens when I need someone to listen...
He encourages when others don't..
He gave me strength when I am weak..
and stands for me when I can't..

That's how great my God is... :)

Prosecutions? O.o??

2010-09-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

Look,

The thing is we will always go through great prosecution~

No matter how close we are to God, prosecution is never far away from you.

Why? Why do we still face prosecution? Even after we accept the Lord, even after we accept Jesus Christ as our personal Lord, and Saviour.

Reflect people,

God never says that your problem will vanish just like that when we decide to become Christian.

In fact,
Matthew 10:22 said
And ye shall be hated of all men for My name's sake.

We will face even more prosecution after accepting the Lord.

So why must we still believe?

Let's see the whole Matthew 10:22
and ye shall be hated of all men for My name's sake: But he that endureth till the end shall be saved.

So we must endure..

Let me tell you this.

Even though we still face problems and prosecution after we have Jesus in our life, and it might get more after we accept Him, something will change from deep inside you in the way you face the problems that comes.

Instead of facing the problem with our own strength, we can depend on God for strength, and the wisdom to overcome any problem that we will face.

Our burdens will automatically be lighter, and once we give it all to Him, then there is nothing we should be worrying about.

Why do we still face prosecution?

The devil hates it when one soul gets saved.

So that devil will do anything and everything that would cause us to turn our back on Him.

He will throw many kinds of trials in front of you.

Just so you will turn your back from God and be away from salvation.

Remember Job's story?

We must trust Him.

all the time.

because He sees the big picture of everything.

who knows,

from everything that God allows it to happen in your life, you'll learn a lot of things.

and from there,

There is a hidden blessing somewhere,

That would help you grow,

and change your life..

FOREVER.. :)

Matthew 10:29-31

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs on your head are numbered. Fear ye not, therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.

all the glory goes to the Maker.

p/s: please, if any of you guys wants to respond to my sharing, please don't hesitate to contact me, like personally, I really want to reply to you guys from my chatbox, but I don't know how.. :((( so please help me.. kay.. :)

Lord God, You're always there...

2010-08-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

I found that when you worry about things..
It doesn't get you anywhere or anything...
In the end you'll just end up more frustrated than ever..

I'm a worrier~~
I used to worry about not important things..
About who is mad at me..
About what I'm going to eat~
About what I'm going to wear~
about how I look like~~

It all just made me...
Tired..

Then..
God says..
do not worry~~

When I came to this place (Perak)
I was worried...
How I'm going to cope with everything...

Then God says..
Let go~
Give them all to me... :)

I let go..
I allow Him to interfere~~

It was hard~~
Really~~

but...

Things get better~~ :D

bit by bit..
little by little..
Slowly.. but surely~~
getting better~~

Praise the Lord~~~

He is good..
All the time..

even when we are not..
He is.. :D
and he never leaves us~~ :D

Don't worry when things are tough..
When you have no one to call..
no shoulder to cry on..
no one to pat your back..
Do not worry..

because..

He is just a prayer away.. :)

Jeremiah 33:3
Call on to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable thing you do not know.. :)

Aih??? :D O.o??

2010-07-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

God is good...

All the time~~ >.
It's true~~~

Have you ever asked from Him???

Pray...

and ask....

He will surely answer you~~~

only three answer~~ :D

Yes~

No~~

Wait~~~

but patience~~ :D

He will answer at the right time~~

moment~~

one thing~~

He is never too late~~ :D

Pray~~

Powerful~~ :D haha~~~

Matthew 7:7
Ask~
and you shall...
Receive~~~~ :D

Life is a spectrum of colours, and unexpected turnings~~~ :D

2010-07-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh~ did I just wrote that???? O.O.. well yeah, isn't it?? Life really is a spectrum of changing colours. It is~ try imagine the colour of your life~~ you'll find out that life really is a spectrum of colours~~ Sometimes it can be red with a splash of yellow, other times it can be blue with a swirl of brown and purple and some other times it will be the colour rainbows entertwined with some silver and gold. But the colours is always changing depending on your mood, your experience, your personality, your friends, your thoughts... :D all of it. So the colour of your life is all in your hands. :D because~ you're the only one who can decide on how to react with the circumstances around you~~~ :D haha.. :D
I can say that my life's colour is blue~ main reason because~ I love blue!!! :D *laughs* last time, it's a dark, dark blue~ so dark it can pass for black. Because I allow myself to fall down with the circumstances happening around me.. :S I fell down, and I don't even bother to get back up. I just allow the rubble of my broken heart to hit me until I am bruised all over. I don't even want to be protected. I want to be hurt by thinking about matters over, and over again. That's the problem of being a thinker, you think about the things that should not be a problem to you, which in turn made you so frustrated and exhausted you have no strength to stand up. You even turn away from offering hands. okay~ getting carried away~~~ :D I don't want to write about this actually~~ :D it's just that I've been thinking before I start tapping the keyboard. hehe:D
Somehow or other, university life made me realize that life is not all about being around a lot of people who are considered your 'friends'. Actually, I learned that before.. yeah~ but here, I have to apply it. So apply it I did. hehe... and.. it's not so bad at all. Instead of depending on others to 'temankan' me go around anywhere I must go, risking that guilty conscience that sticks in your stomach who tells you that this person have something more important to do than following you around. I can go about my business alone and free, doing everything I need to do, in the time that I can do it, and at the pace that I can settle. well, not everything I can do alone, there are times when I need people to 'temankan' me also, but that is just because I don't know how to get to a place, or how to go there, or I've never went there before. So just show me a few times, and there you go, I'll be hopping from one place to another, moving to bigger territory as I know more places to go... :D haha.. :D but I always know that, even when I'm physically alone, I am not spiritually alone~ or even emotionally alone~~ :D so I am glad. :D
I've got lot's of new friends~ who is so nice, I have to smile or laugh all the time I spent with them. :D haha... :D Everytime when I meet them, there is always no time to even play games or read book. They are always talking to me, making silly jokes, and yeah pulling me to places I don't even know exist (in a good way) haha... :D so that's good. I don't want to just stay put at one place~ I'm reminding myself everyday, that in cocoon I am no more... but I am out of that cocoon now. Drying my wings, spreading it wide, ready to take off~~ :D
Thank you my friends who'd been there~ I thank God for always showing me His love~~ I love You... :D this post is dedicated to some of my new friends~~ I want you guys to know how much you had helped me to get this suffering easier.. :D To Sis Cynthia, Pris, Ann, Philip, Tita, Emily, Felix, Netty, and the people from Emmanuel Komcel, even though I've just been there for two times, I never want to miss it.. :D and also people from SIB Tanjung Malim~ Sis Eanie~~ Thank you for supporting me~ even when you guys don't feel like its a great deal~ but it's the greatest thing for me~ :D I almost rebuild the wall in my life again~ but you guys stopped me~~ thank you.. :D I must thank you all~~ not to forget my old friends who is still there~~ Brenda Mitchell Morris, my great cousin~ Charlie~ My lovely sisters~ Neeta and Tuyuk~ my parents Sir Danny and Lady Nusiah~~ :D:p haha...:D and~~ and~~ and~~~ lot's of other people who'd made my life happy!!!!! :D hahaha~~ thank you all... :D

p/s: Actually I just want to write about what I learnt today ba that, tp tba2 tekeluar tis everything~~ tula tida tulis diary semlm~~ :D hahaha... :D funny~~ anyways~~ It's already posted, and as I hadn't planned this writing, I actually do mean it.. :D hehe... please forgive me for the vague beginning and ending~~~ I'll try to organize my writing more~~ :D hehe.. :d next time it will be a skema, gramatical error free writing that I will post up... :D so enjoy my last unorganized writing~~~ :D hahaha....

P/s/s: If I din't mention your name, it is because I failed to remember (to many people to recognise and remember in two weeks time) so sorry guys~ but I really do appreciate what you guys did... :D

PHILIPIANS 1:3 - I thank God upon every rememberance (right spelling???) of you.. :D

Grammar~~~~~~~~

2010-07-23T01:24:00.000-07:00

I was heading~~ I am doing~~~ I have been doing~~~ I will be doing~~~~ blah~ blah~ blah~ yadda3~~~~ *laughs* That's what we learn just now.. How to construct a good phrase, a good clause, a good sentence, how to categorize the type of sentence accordingly. All the English rules and regulations. It turns out English is as confusing as science and Math... :D and learning English is more brain tiring compared with those two subjects.. now we have to present something about phonetics and phonology, of how English sounds are produced.. :D plus all the sound symbols..the upside down e and all that. Which I am sooo interested in.. I borrowed three books about phonetics and phonology and all that.. but later I have to go to prayer meeting so I must rush through this post~~ Once again~~ classes are not tiring enough to make me cry~ what's tiring to me is chasing the bus around and around to go from one class to another.. :D I'm growing more and more steadily~~ :D I hope this will continue fro a long, long time.. :D I'm so happy to be able to laugh and smile again~~Even if most of the time people find me going about my business alone, I may look like a loner~ but then I have a Big~ Big Friend from high above~ and He has sent his angels to be around me... And He really shows that He cares about me~~ :D and with Him going around poking through my business~ things don't really seems as tough~~~ rushing~~ haha~~ I got carried away again~~ :D haha~~ until tomorrow..~~ :D love you guys~~ :D

What's going on today?????? O.o??

2010-07-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

What? What? What? hahaha... just now during english grammar classour lecturer ask us to write an essay about ourselves~ So I was like, what the heck? just do~ the mark will be taken into our assignment and stuffs~ so I wrote~ then she exchange my paper with another girl in the class and ask us to check for our own gramatical error~ and having a not really good grammar skill made me nervous while I checked the girl's essay. Then she came back to me, with my essay, and the first thing she told me is like this~~~~ *clearing throat*
"I can almost hear you talking in front of me!!!!" ahahahhahaha... :D
so I really exactly do that... emmm.. I think... :D hahahaha... :D
So the class extended from 1 hour to 2 hours~ and I was getting kinda hungry.. But I don't know how hungry I was until a very embarassing sound came from my stomach that goes like 'grrrrrrrrr'. My stomach is angry at me for not feeding it~~~ and I was like so embarassed(is that the correct spelling??) hahahah... I was like so shy2, because it was like so loud and like almost the whole room can hear it... :D luckily no one hear it.. :D or maybe they did but refrain from doing anything~~ or maybe it's their stomach that growled but I thought it's mine~~~ but the earthquake from my stomach seems quite real~~~ XD hehe... so that must be me~~~ :D
Why do I feel so tired when my class had a lot of breaks between them???~~~~~ I guess it might be because of the rushing that I have to always.. Even when I have a five hours break it feels like I don't have any at all~ because that five hours is used to rush around the library, finding information and stuffs~~ we have this one assignment~ Where we have to read like books about psychology and personalities and blah de blah~~~ I don't know~ So I went to the library and borrowed a bock like 20 KM thick~~ once in my room I found out that book have nothing to do with my assignment~ none that I am concerned about~~ :D So, really~ I was quite frustrated~ a bit... :D but then I consoled myself~ at least I can return that 20KM thick book tomorrow~~ haha~~ I din't even bring that book now~ because it was too heavy and I am too lazy to carry it~ haha~~~ and~~~ wow~ it's almost time~~ XD I have to go~ since I'm not familiar with the camous ground, I have to spend some time in search for a place called DKN somewhere in my campus~~ :D bye~~~

New life... new hope??

2010-07-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

yeah... well guys... I am now officially a three weeks university student... but you know what I feel? I feel like I'm still in a high school standard or level that... yeah, you know what I mean.. I hope.. :D so it's like this.. when i get d offer letter to this University, I won't say the name and place.. cause I'll be doing some serious I don't really like it post here.. so, as I was saying, I'm in a university level where everything is on your own now.. So when I get this offer letter, I was like so excited, the "was" here I have to stress out because I was excited.. it is so disappointing as I started my first week in university.. Yeah, it might be orientation week so it is not that exciting and stuffs.. but during the first week of lecture, okay, here I have to say some nice things.. the week gets better when I am in my fourth class actually.. cause the first until third class in my week have got nothing to do with the course I'm taking.. and conducted in a language that I don't really understand.. and yeah... moving in to the classes which have got something to do with my course, I get a little bit excited.. because, yeah praise the Lord for I get the course that I really like.. I mean really, Really like.. So I was like okay... I will do my best.. and so I did.. I guess.. wait!!! I forgot~! the first day of my study week is like so HECTIC~~~~~ O.O!!! imagine~ 50-60 people, maybe even up to 70+ people cramming into a bus that fits only 40 people... what the~~~ !!! we are like sardines every single day!!! except if you're early or something, you'll get to sit down~ but no~~~ even when you're first in the line you see, when the bus came the other students were like pushing the person in front to the back and even when you're the first, you're the last... *laughs* kind of remind me of a verse somewhere in the bible that says whoever is the first shall be the last... or something like that.. :D then it is a matter of patience when you are in a line to the bus amd you're almost there, into the bus.. just on step more.. you have to board this bus or else you'll be late for your class.. and then the door closes right in your face.. which cause you to go huh??? with a O.o~~ and a rude much~~ OR~ when you are waiting and have been in the line for like more than 15 minutes~ and a person with much EASE and GRACE slip into the line right in front of you~ and turn back, smiling SWEETLY at you as if you had just given them the right to do that~~ gosh~ and then she'll act like nothing happen and smile and laugh like what she's doing is okay but actually it's not because you're at the back~ fuming like crazy~ the anger almost at your boiling point and all you want to do is strangle her and pull her hair (in most of mycase it's tudung) and sit her at the very end of the line.. but I can't do that, because it's wrong, and I cannot be angry, so what I just do is take a deep breath, smile.. and when she turn her back to me, I glared holes into her head. haha... I'm in so much a muddle now.. It's hard for me to keep up and at times I feel like breaking down into tiny little pieces, so tiny that it takes time to piece me back together.. but i'll just stay strong~~ :D Because I'm a child of God.. and through this all he is giving and providing me strength.. :D so when yesterday, I was crying through my subject courses, I decide to take a break and read the bible, and I open to matthew 10:26.. and yeah~ I was like so surprised, because it's like.. just the thing I need, the verse that I want to hear, something that I want to know.. this is the key, 15 minutes later, a senior sms me, and gave me the exact same word only it is from Luke12:2 I think... and I was crying my head off which scares my roomate that she went out of the room leaving me alone to pray and be thankful for everything.. :) so God is really amazing, He knows you see, that whatever sorrows you hide, he knows all about it.. so... you are not alone... :D halleluyah~~~ well, sorrowfully I have class in the next hour~ and I have to go... is this long? yeah it is.. :D until then~~

p/s: when I get my laptop~ I'll post every single day~ I hope~ and please note my languages, cause it will get better and more sophisticated and interesting.. :D
byebye

Hold on to His hand~

2010-05-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Since the day I've known Him, He'd took my hand in his, and like a little child I held onto His hand. He took me slowly across a vast place called life. patiently leading me away from my past life that is full of broken hope and dreams.

Holding His hand tightly, I walked eagerly with him, expecting the walk of life to be easier, now that He is beside me. With extra confidence and the knowledge that He is with me, I walked on the journey of life passing through many challenges along the way, but still holding fast to His hands.

As the journey goes, soon, I found myself with enough strength. I look at Him and slowly released my hand from His. Thinking that with Him walking beside me, I will be just fine, as long as He is there. Halfway through, like a little child in need of independence, I walk a little further away from Him, but still keeping Him in sight.
Thinking that everything is alright.

Started to walk independently I move on without a doubt. Confident that I can do this alone. Before long, doubt and uncertainties hits me like hail, and I look for someone to hold on to. Looking around, never once thought of looking back.

Someone gave me his hand. In desperation, I accept and he brought me up gently, but there was something wrong. Still, I walked on with him. He brought me to the riches of the world, and I for some reason could not detect any of it. Without realizing it, he had brought me far away from Him, and soon I lost sight of Him. Not even notice a thing.

Suddenly, abruptly, he let go of my hand. I fell, hurt, sad, and lonely once more, surprised that I had let myself be far from Him. I searched for thing to hold on to. The journey of life seems bleak and meaningless, with no one to guide me through.

In the midst of my confusion, I tried to find my feet once more, and I failed. I tried to stand with my own strength, I failed. Hurt and lonely, I cried for help, the wound I felt is excruciating. The pain is unbearable. I thought I was alone. I want to give up and let the pain overwhelmed me.

A gentle touch, a gentle hug, I saw His hand in front of me, I look into His face, questioning, am I still worthy of Your love? after leaving You just like that, do I still deserve a second chance? The hurt I felt had rubbed off all the confidence I'd had, and now I feel just like a piece of garbage. Lord, why did You come back for me? I am not worthy of Your love. I cried, not sure of myself anymore.

With an understanding that is above all others, He showed me his scarred hand. I shook as He look at me with a love that is beyond everything. Yes, my child, He said in the most gentle voice I've ever heard. You are worthy of My love. You are beautiful in your own unique way, you are worthy to live, you are so worthy of My love, that I had died for you. I love you child, even if the world rejected you, I am here.

I put my trembling hands into His, as tears streamed down my face. The days that passed without Him by my side was a blur of pain and sadness. Gently, He lifted me up once more and like a child I hold onto Him. He guide me through the hardest time of my life, as I struggle to regain my confidence and strength.

As I pass by they that I thought who cares, the past hurt stabbed me once more, an oppression so great, I just want to turn away. But I held on tighter to His hands, and I felt his strength inside me, as He held my hands, supporting me. I looked at Him, and all I could see is love so strong that I am assured, and I know, that I would never want to let go....

Thank you, Lord...

The wound within..

2010-05-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

It's pure heartache~ :( to be dumped by someone you love so much~ but what's more painful is. Knowing that you shouldn't be in love with that person in the first place~ forbidden love is painful~ really painful~ what more being in love with someone so egoistic that made them close to becoming dumb. They just did not realize how you feel about them.. you need to tell them word by word how you feel then they understand~ But you held back, reason being you don't want your feelings to taint your friendship with him.. but then a lot of stuffs happens, like seeing them start to get involve with your other best friend.. going out so boldly you can't help but to just stand on the sidewalk wishing that the tender words he said to your friend is meant for you.. but no~ the only thing you were able to do is to just be quiet about what you feel.. since you don't wanna break anyone's heart.. and every time your friend told you what your crush said or do to her, you can't help but pretend to be happy for her, as for him~ the only thing you can do is just provide him with the support to go with his choice.. well, who can blame you for falling in love? The way that he treats you before, makes you wonder if he's got feelings for you.. like true feelings.. at times a jerk~ but most of the times, when you need someone by your side just so you don't feel alone, he's right there encouraging you, supporting you, just so that you have the strength and bravery to face your problems.. that kind of mixed emotions you've got for him.. a feeling to just stay beside him, because you feel safe, and needed and the guilt you have whenever he talks to you about his girlfriend@your best friend.. Being involved with him in the first place, you've got no warning at all beforehand, that you thought it's just another simple friendship that you strike with another guy, and in the end the little stuffs he did for you became a precious memory for you.. and that stupid thickheaded jerk starts telling you that he has fallen for your bestfriend and pestering you to help him to win her heart.. that is just downright heart ripping.. :( and you start to wonder what does he means by being sweet to you and all that.. In the end you just have to shut up. and act like you don't care.. because this case has happen towards you several times that you'd just think that whenever this thing happen to you again you'll get a warning beforehand. But no~ you didn't.. and this time, it is the strongest and hardest blow on you.. because not only you had fall for him... and like HARD.. you also had to help him with his mission of getting the girl that he likes which happens to be your best friend.. and who happens to like him back too.. you're really in a huge dilemma.. you don't want to forget him.. for that means deleting your precious memories with him.. but you also don't want to have that heartache.. which made you writhe in pain every night.. and tears will fall.. no amount of tears could hide that pain that shows.. the sorrow.. and pain... feeling so alone~ because you felt that part of you has been ripped away.. gosh~ I understand.. seriously.. because I went through the same thing.. and going through that it is no fun at all.. no fun.. :( But I try to just let it be... just forget.. because I don't know whoa m I to him.. maybe I'm just another dust that does not affect him at all.. You always wonder and wonder~.. and at last.. I just want to give up. Totally give up.. That's why I want to remind myself now to not fall for guys again.. That wound will be healed.. no matter what you said.. because time will heal wounded memories and trust.. in the end I'll just have to learn how to trust again.. and.. I won't give up.. because I'm a fighter~ and a fighter will never give up...

My final answer..

2010-04-25T18:22:00.000-07:00

After thinking about it for more that five years.. I've finally got my answers. Of pleasing people and pleasing yourself. Of being yourself or being others. Of tolerating with each other. I got my answers.. :D well, this is dedicated to my dear friends so they should know.. :) Sometimes being you does not mean not doing anything at all. Sometimes being you means truly reaching out for yourself, asking yourself if this is what your really wants. It doesn't mean staying just like the same person you are since you're born, besides, we are human. We always change. But the changing depends ourselves, to the better or the worst. So when others says to you "hey, I think you should change.." doesn't mean he/she wants you to change completely to another person that at last you ca't be sure you're you anymore, but really when someone says that, they are really trying to help you to live a better life. Yes, some may debate, "hey, if they don't like how I am and can't accept me for who I am, then they do not really appreciate me at all" well think back. Are you being the person you want to be? Do you really want to be that way? like what I see during college life, I am able to observe a lot of people, the way they interact with each other I compared and contrast them with myself, and I learned a lot. (there's a lot you can learn by observing people, you should try it sometimes..:D) Like one lesson I learnt, being the awfully shy person as I am, it's kinda hard for me to fit in with others, so when I'm thrown in to be with a bunch of crazy(in a good way), fun-loving people, and everyone knows each other well, and me no-one, well, it's hard for me to make friends, and.. yeah people who know me can guess it. I did not talk for like most of the time, and I didn't do anything but stay with myself smiling and nodding like an idiot all the time. Well, my stand is this, when I want to talk, I'll talk, and if it's not important for me to talk, then I won't(does not include when I swallow a whole container of Icecream:D) but then, I guess I have to change that, yeah not talking is comfortable for me, but, in the end, I'm the one who suffers. You see, I don't like crowds of people, although I like to be alone, sometimes I also want a few friends to turn to, especially when I'm lonely. And during that time I feel so lonely and in need of someone, but due to my stand, I do not make any friends there, so I suffer alone, isolating myself from the others when all I want to do that time is laugh and play together with them. You see, in this kind of situation, being me does not benefit me at all. Being the usual quiet me at last cause me to suffer loneliness. See, although I like being me sometimes, I know I must change certain things in me. I have to get rid of my fear of people, and I must learn how to trust again. I must get out of my comfort zone in order to achieve something better. Slowly I want to change myself, to the better, but still keep the me inside, how?? I'm not sure yet, I'm still finding my answers, but I do know one thing, the statement 'Just be you' is right, but not you you, it's the REAL you that you must concentrate on. not th FAKE you that you want others to see. The days of still searching me, everyday, trying to determine who I am, is gone.. because.. I AM FOUND.. :D I really don't know how to explain, but yeah, that is. :D Although sometimes I forget, and fret, but I'm still thankful. :D

The circle of life...

2010-03-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

From earth are we made of and to earth we will return... the value of life is uncountable.. it's not what we can buy.. but it is something we must gain.. Life is a one shot.. sso live it fully day by day.. :D

I repent and I won't repeat the same mistake anymore.. the longest 1 hour of my life.. :D

2010-03-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Mistakes! Mistakes! so there I am not perfect! I do mistakes and stuffs too! I'm not perfect!! :D but when I know I'm wrong, I will be happy and redo what I've done wrong.. :D I will not give up! coz I'm a fighter! and a fighter never gives up..

Sorry...

2010-03-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

I finally realized that it is all my fault and I have no way of recovering it.. I'm so sorry but things are never going to be normal again.. I'll just have to make do with the normal going on now. I'm so sorry it became like this.. I shouldn't have said the words that hurts you so much.. I realized that I had been selfish enough to just want you to understand me instead me trying to understand you better.. again sorry is the only thing I could say... nothing is more painful then having regret things that come out of your mouth.. I'm so sorry...

Why I love teddies... :)

2010-03-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

1. They are cuddly
2. They are soft
3. They are cute
4. They are hugable
5. They are cute :D
6. They are loveable
7. They are smiley
8. They are cute!!
9. They are COMEL!!
Whatever.. I just love them!!! :D

If, Rudyard Kipling

2010-03-12T04:44:00.001-08:00

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!